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I have a very extensive music collection, and the last few songs have all been cowboy songs (surprising considering I don’t have many like that) so with the taste of Easter chocolate in my stomach I recall what I learned on South Park years ago…Cowboys and Chocolate = Gayness and sadly part of my responsibility to you is also to review gayness, so I will take it as a sign to grab one and get it over with so here we go.

So anyway, we follow the pathetic adventures of some candy-assed loser named Stu who is almost as much of a flaming closet case as Tom Cruise is jokingly purported to be. Now sure enough the chicks in this movie aren’t exactly what you would call hot or even attractive, while the dudes on the other hand are these crazy muscle beach guys, but Stu here is supposedly straight but seems to actually enjoy cock more than pussy.

The action is confusing to say the least but the performers do seem to get off, in an amateurish way.

Bi Bi Stu gets two cocks-up, mostly because I watched it stoned and Stu’s idiocy was like one of those bad sitcoms that you kinda laugh at anyway.

I have no fucking idea what a Culo is but after watching this move I want to bang one…hell I want to bang a zillion Culos…Bring on the Culos man! This is a cool amateurish flick set in an adult store…how come when I go in an adult store I dont get treated to any real life fucking or orgies like in these shows…if someone knows where I can shop and get this kind of entertainment (especially interactive) let me know and Im there man. Not a lot of time is wasted in farcical story lines beyond establishing the set and that the chicks are horny and want to fuck.

Four scenes of fucking to scope out and I guarantee some of it you will find hot as diversity and sluttiness rule throughout the whole movie…first up a blonde slut getting generously banged while showing true cock appreciation, followed by a negress nympho who demonstrates her openness as well as her eagerness to get her open holes filled…then onto an oriental orgasm machine that loves taking it and taking it hard, and finally a captivating hispanic looking brunette to finish the movie off with some Latin heat.

While not the hottest nor the most expensively produced movie out there, Bang My Culo 3 gets itself three hard cocks-up, if I knew what a Culo was and that it tasted as good as a Churro, it might’ve gotten four.

Back in the 1980’s MTV’s Downtown Julie Brown had a hit single with the funny song that pretty much describes anybody who totally digs this movie, “I Like Em Big And Stupid”.

Mr 18 inches looks like Danny Glover after a month on a medieval torture rack while being force fed penis pills that work, and he’s supposed to be some kinda sub dude as these crazy chicks appear to fuck him and get him to lick their shoes etc. but he comes off more cool, like he’s Bad Bad Leroy Brown, the baddest man in the whole damn town, meaner than a junkyard dog and bigger than ol King Kong.

Once you get past the idiotic dialog and pretensions at set and scene, the sex itself is decent enough cos these are chicks that obviously love cock and appreciate a good thing when they have one, and they certainly have one in this movie as Mr 18 inches buries his cock in their pussies so deep that you can almost see the head poking out their mouths as they moan in pleasure.

Sadly other than their half-assed obviously over-acted BDSM skits and this dude’s massive schlong, Mr. 18″ and the Phantom Bitches had no unique draw to it and surely in at least one of the scenes they could’ve added an extra chick…god knows with 18 inches of meat, there’s enough for everybody to have a sandwich.

Mr 18″ and the Phantom Bitches gets a solid three cocks-up and could’ve been higher if their originality had been higher.

Well Easter is over but I had so much fun with the chocolate bunny searches, and the weather is getting so awesome as spring makes a bigger push, like some horny teen dude slamming away into a milf, so I just had to grab y’all one more fluffy animal to enjoy…let’s hear it for little kitties, also known as pussies. Maximum Pussy 2 has some totally awesome pussy on pussy action and with no fear of any weiner dogs around to bark at them these pussies enjoy their playtime to the fullest.

The variety of pussies at play in Maximum Pussy 2 is just astounding and I guess that’s where the word maximum comes from…it’s like if you’ve ever seen the movie Dusk to Dawn, and there’s a part by Cheech Marin where he’s all “Pussy…pussy…we got black pussy…we got white pussy…we got yellow pussy…we got hairy pussy…we got bald pussy…” anyways, that’s what this movie reminds me of. These chicks enjoy each other one-on-one and in groups exploring, pleasuring and making each other’s pussies purr as they lick, suck, use toys on each other and fingerbang themselves to some sapphic nirvana.

Maximum Pussy 2 gave me maximum boneage as well as maximum sploogeage and gets the maximum five cocks-up.

Our last Easter chocolate bunny fuck-fest review does not disappoint nor leave us with that foil wrapped bulk chocolate flavor in our mouths like the last few. It also covers more chocolate bases with a higher variety of flavors…white bunnies, black bunnies and some tan creamy caramel bunnies as well.

I wonder if any of that creamy white chocolate (or by the end of their hot scene; cream-filled) is imported from Belgium. These chicks fuck as hot as bunnies for sure and their decadent sluttiness just feels so Euro.

This is a movie that you can watch in stages cos the heat and intensity is sure to make you cum several times before it’s over. Whether it’s one chick getting banged by a bunch of guys, or a couple sweet fuck bunnies together playing with each other AND getting banged by a bunch of guys, the action does not let up in this movie and these chicks love to fuck and obviously love getting filled doing so.

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There is no hole that does not get filled at some point in this movie, and the cream-filled and cream-covered goodness that these bunnies are craving gets delivered to them in mass quantities.

Spread ‘em apart is one of the few must-see movies I have reviewed for its sheer heat and sluttiness and gets five cocks-up.

1970’s songwriter Leo Sayers had a big hit with the song ‘I pull my old blue jeans on’, looking at the blondes in this bodacious fuck-flick I would love to hit on them and pull their old blue jeans off. I don’t quite get if blue jeans are supposed to be a fetish or what the case is here, but if they are a fetish the people who get off on it are very lucky considering it’s a fetish catered to by 80% of the population.

Three scenes of sex and lust are portrayed for our pleasure but just like anything that has a bunch of blondes at the root of it, Blue Jean Blondes 2 lacks any originality at all.

Picture this in your head, it isn’t hard to do even if you’re as empty headed as a typical blonde, in blue jeans in the backyard showing off her body, then getting banged until it ends in noisy orgasms…multiply this times three and then you’ve got this movie down pat.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, when it comes to basic jack-off porn this movie has got those basics covered.

Blue Jean Blondes 2 gets three cocks-up, one for each of its scenes.

Some people say that college age chicks are too old to appreciate and enjoy the chocolatey goodness of easter. I figure that good enough chocolate should always be appreciated and enjoyed, and college time is a primo time for getting your basket filled with ooey gooey creamy goodness. So here is one more easter offering of chocolate in need of cream.

So the formula is we have these obsidian beauties who allegedly go to college (I hope to hell they’re not taking acting, cos if they are they totally suck at it) and they get down to some down n dirty sex in their dorms with some black bruthas that they are fortunate enough to run into for some ebony on ebony exercising.

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The chicks in this movie were like hot sweet fudge that I would want to melt in my mouth anytime, but I just don’t get why so many of these movies are just one-on-one action. Like yknow, when I picture a young eager for cock sweet lookin black slut getting some action, I tend to picture a bunch of dudes and some dp action etc, all of which was lacking from Black Cherry Coeds 4. My other complaint with this movie is that although these black dudes did bang the hell out of these chicks, there should have been some inter-racial fucking as well…everybody knows that there’s a lot more white dudes than black dudes at a college, unless it’s a sports college.

Black Cherry Coeds 4 gets a semi-satisfying (kinda like those bulk foil-wrapped chocolates instead of creamy milk chocolate) three cocks-up.

To paraphrase Steppenwolf in their satirical song about marijuana…’well it’s evil, wicked, mean, and nasty…most folks call it ass Sam’ and these chicks are the nastiest of the nasty, but if you’re a total perv like me, then that nasty is oh so nice. The ultra-sluts in this movie are so fucking slutty and ready for action with an intensity that tells you as soon as they start fucking that these are the kind of babes that are eager to do what straighter chicks only dream about in their darkest most decadent dreams.

Just like yesterday’s movie, we get a quintet of hot scenes but unfortunately even though Ass to Mouth 10’s a splooge-worthy fuck-flick, and as I said, the nasty nymphomania of these ass-sluts shines through, the producers I guess limited their sluttiness and you’re stuck with just one-on-one scenes.

Personally I would’ve exploited these babe’s insatiable appetites and it would’ve been gang-bang after gang-bang as they took those cocks in their holes and then showed us in multiples of what we get to see, how much they enjoy cleaning off a cock that has been plunged deep in their ass.

Speaking of plunges, this movie would have had five cocks-up if it had shown more hardcore intensity with multiple partners, but instead gets a solid four cocks-up for the sluttiness of the actresses.

Time for some more double-dipping dark decadence as the countdown to easter continues with a chocolate quintet of creamy goodness.

I was at the mall earlier cruising past Laura Secord’s and I saw those big ass specialty huge freakin chocolate rabbits that they have…yknow the $300+ ones and I thought to myself…yeah man, some big chocolate bunnies sure would be tasty, so here we are with Chocolate Gazongas.

Dude…watching this flick and seeing these dark skinned fuck-divas of dusky decadence getting it on and how slutty they can be, I can understand why they were the ones so popular as slaves, cos man, I would own me some of that, but I guess when you want it as badly as these chicks do, it isn’t ownership it’s just enjoyment.

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Once again my problem with this movie is that it’s just all basic one-on-one sex through all five scenes, and when you have sluts that want it as much as these chicks, it’s a crime not to demonstrate all that they can do, and all that they can take. Which brings up the other thing I wonder about this movie…okay, these chicks have big tits and this one of them especially has a huge ass…now they call this ghetto booty, but if somebody’s from the ghetto, wouldn’t they have a bony starved ass?

Oh well…whatever, Chocolate Gazongas gets three and a half cocks-up. Only three cos of it all being one-on-one, but the extra half cos the chicks were hot.

If there’s one thing that any good self-respecting slut enjoys for lunch, or as a snack at any point in the day…it’s a juicy jam sandwich, and if you want to enjoy a sandwich with any of the chicks in this stellar epic of anal sluttiness, cum on in cos both doors are always open. Now these kinda sluts are what porn was made for.

This is a movie you will have to watch in stages cos these chicks are so eager to get their holes filled that while you’re watching them, the experience is so sploogetastic that you’ll need a couple breaks to recharge.

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From beginning to end, these babes take it in both ends and for some of them even that’s not enough as they experiment filling their desires and their holes, be it pussy or ass with two cocks at a time for the ultimate double penetration…freakin hot, and after getting their holes pummelled they’re eager to suck these cocks off and take loads all over their faces and tits.

Ass Jam totally rocked as well as redefining the term jam sandwich and gets a full-on five cocks-up.

Everybody knows that one of the tastiest parts of any big summertime barbecue is the succulent smell and taste of a stuffed pig skewered by a stake and sure enuff that’s the sweet taste throughout this movie. The chicks in this movie have sexual appetites as large and insatiable as their other appetites and show it in each and every scene as they score all the extra protein that they can off these dudes.

Unfortunately for this movie it fell prey to the folly of so many porn producers in that it tried to actually have a story. I frankly could not care less if this chick is on a diet, or if she’s breaking her diet, and I don’t see anybody else caring so why try and waste our time, that we could be jacking it to hot sex, with some dumbass storyline?

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We get four scenes and these chicks obviously dig playing with cock and getting fucked enough to raise the heat factor, it’s just a shame we’re not getting to watch them in some BBW milf fuckfest…pure sex man, that’s where they should be.

Chunky Backyard BBQ gets three cocks-up, and if they hadn’t wasted my time with their half-assed storyline, it would’ve been higher.

Wooot Ho-down in Motown baby ! Chocolate Bunny fest continues with some bangin black bootlicious big boobed babes and these chicks dig any cock shoved their way as much as their boyfriends dig a large order of ribs with extra sauce. Unlike the previous chocolate bunny flick, Afro caribbean style, this one we get multiple hardcore fucking and lots of nice big black boobies.

Four scenes of inter-racial cream-stuffed oreo overtures pump away in front of us with a constant steady heat. First off some lucky dude gets totally fucked and sucked off by two dusky dames of delight and then the action continues indoors, outdoors and in these chicks front and back doors without letting up on the sluttiness factor for even a minute.

These are some cream-filled chocolate bunnies that I would love to enjoy over Easter and Black Bad Girls 17 is oh so bad in oh so many good ways and scores four cocks-up.

Thank god for Legend pictures that by definition no Amish person will ever get to watch this movie…somehow the portrayals I have gotten of Amish people from Hollywood doesn’t incline me to believe they would be highly amused, but since I’m not Amish, and even though I don’t dig storylines in porn movies, I gotta say, at times this was fucking funny as well as somewhat hot.

So we’re talking kind of an Amish version of The Gods Must Be Crazy. Some Amish chick finds a camcorder, dares to use it instead of just smashing it as a blashpemy against god (jesus Amish people are crazy) and then she begins her dark descent into decadence taking some sweet looking (once they get out of their weird Amish clothes) Amish friends of hers with her.

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The porn is pretty hot as well as the movie making you laugh a bit now and then, just like chicks anywhere in the world, it seems that once an Amish girl opens up that slutty side of her she just goes all the way man. No wonder Pennsylvania is the home of both Amish and Hershey, cos damn not only do these Amish chicks enjoy making that Hershey’s chocolate, but they sure like taking people for a ride down the Hershey Highway.

Amish Daughters, even though it has something of a storyline doesn’t try to be intelligent or have a real story, so combined with the decently hot sex it gets a very chaste four cocks-up.

Cluster Bang 2 is good solid XXX jackin material. Not a lot of fake frills and drudgy drama. Picture some fun times where guy meets girl meets guy meets girl meets guy meets girl…hormones are racing, endorphins are in the air and the fucking gets going and where it stops nobody knows. Now an easier way to picture that scenario is just watch this movie, cos that’s what it is.

Woohoo….Easter’s coming! If you’re like me I know what your favorite part of easter is (other than getting to see Charlton Heston be Moses every year) …the coolest thing about easter is the chocolate bunnies. This movie is filled with chocolate bunnies, and between now and easter, we’ll look at a few of these steamy sweet cream-filled chocolate movies.

These Jamaican jiggaboo jungle-bunnies show us why so many people cum to the Caribbean…butts, boobs, and buds. My problem with this flick is that we all know that in the Caribbean they have these awesome party places, like Club Hedonism with far out and kinky group action where, unlike in this movie, the chicks happily take multiple cocks and multiple loads…why the hell isn’t that happening in this movie? I mean they’re hot enough and all, but unfortunately the movie is not as hot as hot chocolate can be…give me that stuff that scolds the roof of my mouth.

Afro Caribbean Style gets a disappointing two cocks-up, but keep your eyes open cos more chocolate bunnies will cum your way over the next couple weeks.

Phar-out, phat ass and phunky…a geography lesson inside a porn movie. Every now and then I have wondered, “Just where is the Hershey highway? And how do I get there from here?”…I’d always figured it was in Pennsylvania…some anal retentive Amish town or something, but now I have discovered that it is in Rio.

Like man…maybe it’s all the spicy food…the Montezuma’s revenge…the spicy rings of fire, but dude these chicks take it up the ass, like their ass is swallowing the cock more than their ass is being fucked by the cock.

Four posterior pounded puta scenes from chicks who show that for sluts like them who really like it deep, the door that’s always open is the backdoor. I must say though I found it disappointing that unlike other movies similar to this, even though no question about it, these chicks were sluts, they only did one dude at a time. If I’m gonna be watching some ass-slut chick getting drilled I’d rather go all the way with it and see her getting double drilled multiple times.

Rio Style gets a solid throbbing three cocks-up.

Okay this is an awesome movie with a case of a mixed-up title…these sluts do not so much tame cock as get tamed by it like a lioness getting trained by the lion tamer’s whip. These are chicks who love cock and get treated to an abundance of it giving them a chance to demonstrate to us that they are happy to take it in any and every hole and totally dig shooting the splooge.

Five splattertastic scenes of extreme slutty action explode on your screen and your senses, cos these chicks, either on their own or paired up for a dynaslut duo of dick decadence push the limits of hardcore action as well as the limits of their orifices…double mouth fucking, double pussy, double penetration…like double everything dude, if you like seeing slut action at its finest, check this one out.

Cock tamers gets a very untame four cocks-up.

Exsqueeze me, I thought porn was supposed to be hot or a turn-on. Sure, everybody’s got their little kinks and fetishes (if this is a kink it sure is a little one) but this movie makes me think that I’m watching some comedy made by the Wayans family (yknow the Scary movie dudes) when they were all whacked out on some weird shit after spending too many hours playing their gnomes on world of warcraft.

Like sure there’s sex in this, but man it’s hard to believe these are actually real people…sure they’re supposed to be aliens, but it still doesn’t make it sexy. If I wanna watch a movie about alien sex, then count me in to be like Captain Kirk and get to fuck all these big-titted blue skinned exotic looking chicks that stand taller than my knee, not something that looks like it should be a garden gnome in my front yard.

All I know is, after watching this movie, I totally gotta go check out a movie for tomorrow before I’m scarred for life and I will leave you with the words of our modern day sage and bard Randy Newman; “Short people got no reason to live…they got beady little eyes…don’t want no short people…you gotta pick em up just to say hello…they got little voices going squeak squeak…”

Well you get my point, but Double Midgetation doesn’t get any, zero cocks-up.

A flick that totally rules as far as blowjob movies go cos these sluts totally dig swallowing a cock and whatever loads they can get to explode out of it. Personally I dig there to be some real in and out pussy filling action as well as just blowjobs when I’m watching porn, but these babes do give a righteous showing as sluts who love the cock. Okay yeah…the moronic title being a Doors rip-off kinda bites like, if you wanna do something that assinine then make an anal movie and call it Backdoor Man.

A decadent decatant of splooge-splashing slut soaking scenes and in most of these we get two chicks for each lucky throat fucking guy as they demonstrate how much they crave forcefully going down on these fucksticks…like this is not one of those blowjob movies where some asian chick gently licks away and holds her mouth slack and open while it gets fucked without any expression from her. These are chicks that go orally crazy on cock and totally get off on seeing, swallowing or spraying the loads of cum that they unleash from these lucky bastards.

Cum On Baby Bite My Wire 2 doubles its own two with four cocks-up. It would’ve gotten a better score if I’d seen that these chicks loved fucking as much as they loved sucking.

With yesterday’s review of Butt Munchers and today’s review of Foot Traffic I am no longer sure whether the big O in sex-talk refers to the word orgasm or Olfactory. I mean wow, like people totally get off on the smell of sweat…after watching these movies, I bet the reason Kate Hudson bitched about Matthew McConaughey was that he was making her have spontaneous orgasms and totally wetting herself and that must’ve been her problem with his b.o. (which also I now assume stands for big orgasm).

Okay…now I can get how maybe somebody can be all fucked up and just going wild with whatever but I guess this movie is also geared to people who have a stocking fetish…personally I can’t see the taste of nylon getting me off, but whatever. We get three thole thucking thcenes of some cock and cum-crazed nymphos who totally get off on getting their toes sucked and nibbled and are more than happy to return the favor of having their feet fondled fetish catered to with some lust-driven sucking and fucking for the lucky dude who also obviously was getting pumped up from the pungent smell and taste of these babes peds.

Foot Traffic boggles me with the amount of odor-driven orgasms inundating porn but nevertheless gets itself three satisfied cocks-up.

Watching this movie makes me think that they should make a porn version of Dr Seuss’s classic The Lorax…and yknow you can just totally see Ron Jeremy as The Lorax, short little hairy dude with wild hair and a big walrus mustache…totally sounds like it was written for him. I mean, if someone did a poll to find out how many totally nasty ultra-sluts there were out there I bet there would be enough that we could save a zillion trees by getting rid of the toilet paper industry and just have chicks like this ready and willing to savor some smelly ass whenever needed.

I guess for these nasty nymphos it’s like old school trapper style and the more musk you lay out, the more beaver you get. Six scenes of chicks who totally dig the sweaty smell of ass, whether it’s another chick or a dude, they don’t care, as long as they can get their noses in there for a weighty whiff and a raunchy rimjob.

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There are some babes who were put on this planet completely for the purpose of sex and granting pleasure…good casting call on this movie, you found some of these babes. These chicks show scene after scene how much they love fucking and as the heat goes up their lust goes up too and they go crazy on cock (or in some cases even more than one cock) and beg for the taste of ass and cum.

Butt Munchers gets four sweaty cocks-up.

A salami slamming slutarama…this is the type of movie that porn should be about, like man…people say the hippies had free love? Not like the people in this movie man. These babes are sluttier than an army of female clone Bill Clintons and man do they dig cock…dig it, suck it, fuck it…anything they can in every way they can.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ CLICK HERE TO VIEW VIDEO ~ ~ ~ ~ Groups, gangbangs…double penetration…double stuffing their pussies, hands and mouths these chicks totally get into what they’re doing in five fuck-filled scenes of slut satiation. Two things that totally make this movie work are the lust charged milfs they use, cos everybody knows that even the energizer bunny is in awe of how an orgasmically energized soccer mom can ride that libido lust to all time highs, and when you combine that with a menagerie of cocks for these super-sluts to ride it’s an instant formula to sexcess.The other thing that makes this movie totally work is you get treated at the end to everyone’s favorite snack, a double stuffed oreo.

Five fire-hose spraying cocks-up to the sexual energy of Any Hole Will Do

March is here, and once again this year we’re lucky enough to have easter in March. The perfect time to celebrate with creampie movies and sing that popular easter hymn ‘Here comes my Peter looking for a tail, following a splooge laid trail’. Just like with easter baskets we get a variety of goodies and even some cream filled chocolates.

Personally I prefer the creampie movies where some ultra-slut takes like a zillion loads until her pussy is a frothy frappe of cum, but hey the chicks in this movie usually still made it work cos they were just so totally into getting off on their own, with each other, and especially filled with cock until they milked it into themselves showing that they truly were creampie somethings (calling some of them hunnies is just a little too generous tho).

Goddam you Fox TV. I hope your producers and writers all burn in some HBO crafted hell. Why does this movie bring on this rant you ask? Because (phony) ‘reality’ shows are destroying the entertainment industry…next thing you know they will have ‘reality’ plays on Broadway, but oh my god bringing that shit into porn…if I wanted shit in porn I would be watching scat.

Four mostly time wasting scenes of bimbos who dyslexically deliver a diahretic diatribe where you go oh-my-god won’t you ever shut up and use your mouth for something other than yapping away, like seriously dude, the beginning of each of these scenes you may as well just go off and grab a cheeseburger or something.

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Now to be fair, I will admit that if you were to edit out the bimbo babble and splice together just the sex, then some of this movie would be splooge-worthy.

Loose morals 2 gets that oh so loose number, a zero, on the cocks-up scale because even though like I said, the sex was hot, porn needs to remember that it is porn, and it isn’t there to entertain or to try to be intelligent.

Dude….as if….unfortunately right wing fascist America that we live in now is like totally wayyy too conservative for us to have such a cool place to hang and bang. Something like this you gotta go to eastern Germany or some equally debauched disneyland of decadence out there in nowadays euro-slut Europe. But as far as a fantastical fantasyland to fuck in, Club Godiva is a place and a movie that will roxor your boxers.

Five scenes of the most sweet-ass place in the world to take a load off your feet and some other places that you totally need to get a load off of. Hot chicks willing, ready and eager to fulfill any fantasies that come into their club (mainstream ones anyway) and sizzle onto your screen as they hungrily gobble cock and in one particular super hot scene we get treated to some noisy finger banging and labia on labia action for a lucky customer’s pleasure.

All in all Club Godiva was a decent flick with better than average production values and the number one super seller for all movies, chicks that loved to fuck and gets a fantastical four cocks-up.
Damn tho, they really need to open one of these type of clubs over here.